Helping a Friend

When people feel that they are in some kind of trouble, the first person they often turn to is a friend.

We hope that this web-site will be useful to you if you are helping a friend. It can feel very difficult to do this, because you may feel torn between the way you see things, and the way your friend sees them. Perhaps you feel like this..?

• Your friend may have problems which s/he doesn't know what to do about, and you may feel that you ought to know the answers, but you don't know them.
• Your friend may have told you things which are now making you feel worried and upset too.
• Perhaps you have information about something which your friend has told you to keep to yourself, but you are not really sure whether this is right. You may know your friend's family, or teachers, and feel that you should let them know, and that they will be angry with you for keeping things from them.
• Your friend may have told you not to help, and it may feel awful because it's as if you are just doing nothing.
• You may feel anxious and frightened in the situation, and yet feel that you can't ask anyone for help.
• You may know and understand why your friend is in trouble, and feel that s/he deserves what happens. This may feel disloyal and as if you are not a true friend, or it may be hard to watch a friend suffer when you feel there is something s/he could do about it.
• You may have offered to help your friend, but now your friend is making a lot of demands on you and it's taking up a lot of your time and energy. You may be feeling bad, or tired, or miserable.

If you recognise any of these situations, these suggestions may help :

• You have a right to talk to someone about the way you are feeling. You can talk through the situation without giving your friend's name - this is not betraying a confidence, it is helping you to cope with the situation more easily, and this may help your friend too.
• You can get information about the problem or the situation which your friend is having to deal with. You may find it easier to do this because you are at a distance, and you may be able to ask the kinds of questions which your friend would find it hard to ask. Once you have more information, it may be easier to talk things through.
• Listening to someone may not feel as if you are doing very much, but in fact it's a big help. You may be the only person your friend can say things to - imagine how important that would be if you were in that position.
• If helping your friend has become very difficult, tiring or upsetting for you, you have the right to say this to your friend.
  
  Explain how you are feeling and suggest some other possibilities, e.g.
  
  That you have a certain time (and/or place) to talk
  That you can help with certain things but that there are some things which are too difficult / tiring / uncomfortable
  That you will get contact details about other people who could help
  

Saying these things will feel very hard, but if you explain the reasons, you may be able to show that you still care. Your caring may have to be in different ways: after all, if you become as anxious and worried as your friend, neither of you will be able to see ways round the difficulties.

• You may know something about a situation which could be life- threatening. If you are not sure what to do about this, and are frightened to pass the information on for any reason, it will certainly help you to talk to someone else (someone you can trust such as a counsellor, or a tutor) so you can share your concerns and worries. You don't have to give all the details at this stage, and it may help you to make a decision.