Good relationships help us to enjoy ourselves and cope with life’s difficulties. They are one of the ways that we recognise who we are and can feel positive about ourselves. When we’re having problems in our relationships we can sometimes lose our sense of ourselves – as if we don’t recognise who we are being and perhaps feel that we don’t like ourselves. Relationship difficulties can stir up all sorts of feelings inside us. We may feel upset, angry, hopeless, worthless… – and quite often we may be trying to cope with a lot of mixed feelings all at once. It can be really frightening to feel out of control in a relationship.

Sometimes, if we’re struggling with a particular relationship it can start to affect how we get on with other people in our life as well. For instance, if we’re having problems with our boyfriend or girlfriend we may start to cut off contact from our other friends or perhaps become irritable and angry at home. This can add to our feeling of isolation and it can start to feel more and more difficult to get back to feeling ok.

Often, relationship difficulties in the present can be affected by our past relationships as well. For instance, it might feel as if someone in the present is causing us to feel exactly how we felt as a very small child or in a difficult previous relationship. This can be very frightening and confusing. In this situation we may get sucked into our past behaviours and start feeling, for instance, like the little child we were then. On the other hand, we might do something that feels quite extreme and doesn’t seem to make sense to us – ending the relationship or behaving in ways that feel quite unfamiliar, to avoid what feels like a repeat performance.

If you are struggling in your relationships – whether that’s with friends, a partner, family – some of the following may be useful:

• Try to keep contact with other more positive relationships

• Stay involved in activities that remind you of different sides of yourself – especially the fun and creative sides of yourself

• Look after yourself physically –sleep, regular and healthy meals and exercise can make a lot of difference

• Avoid excessive use of alcohol or drugs – this can add to the feeling of being out of control and can make you feel more depressed

• Talk to someone about what you’re going through – a friend, relative, member of staff, counsellor or GP could help

• Try to untangle the past from the present – what is really the same and what is different? If this is hard, a counsellor may be able to help you to do this

• Along with all the working it out and looking after yourself, remember that you do have choices - if you are feeling bullied, threatened or frightened by someone, or if your relationship takes more from you than it gives to you, you have a right to end it

• Sex & Sexuality
• Divorce

Related Links:

• Relate
• Advice from the Mental Help Net
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

For other sources of help:

• LampDirect
• Samaritans